Thanksgiving is a lie.

Random Segway:

The rest of the world must think we are complete dumbasses. What kind of asshole celebrates the mass slaughter, rape, and pillaging of innocents and then uses it as an excuse to run marketing and advertisement campaigns?

AMERICA.

Every year we run around like mindless douchebags pretending like we actually give a shit about family and household cleaning. Not to mention that every year it's like we take a giant dump on all the people we stepped on in order to obtain this gluttonous luxury.

But it's not about buying things and showing people up, you say. It's about family! When was the last time you willingly spent more than an hour in the same room with your relatives? Do you really enjoy being berated, poked, prodded, made fun of, embarrassed, invaded, and annoyed by your extended family? If you do, GREAT. But every time we have "family time" this is the kind of "family" I'm talking about.

My Grandma Donna. The classiest, most refined of my mom's side of the family. She smokes what could easily fill an entire piano of cigarettes a day and can easier converse with farm animals than actual people. I think she might have lost a bit of her sanity as well as her teeth.

I have come to the conclusion that all of the people in my family who are in possession of a vagina are destined to be mentally insane by the age of 30. I await my fate in excruciating agony.

Within moments of her setting sights on me comes the delicately asked questions.

I would rather be blown by genetically altered rabid porcupine and penguin hybrid than have to talk to that woman ever again.

Another issue I have with the holiday season: Turkey.

Who the hell decided that turkey was the meat of choice for the traditional american feast? Next to a bucket of KFC it could look mildly appetizing but honestly, why? Ok, yeah it's larger than a chicken and cleaner to house than a pig or a cow but just because it's larger doesn't mean it's necessarily better.

More meat=more cooking time=dryer than an old man's pubic hair.

So not only do we have dry, stringy, herby old man pubes, we have a plethora of items with hidden diet-spoiling agendas. Sneaky bastards.

Why does everything in the American diet have to be deep fried and covered in bacon in order for people to eat it?

In conclusion: Turkey Sucks. And Thanksgiving sucks.

End.