Sometimes.

Hopefully in the next few posts I'll get back to the usual programming of funny, witty story telling with poorly drawn supplementary pictures, but right now I think some venting is very much needed. So if you're looking for a laugh, catch back up in a week or two, if you're looking for a 'hmm' and maybe an 'ohh', keep reading. If you're going to read this with a tone of anger or remorse or anything other than pure curiosity, please don't read any of this because it will get misconstrued and misunderstood.

Recently some things in my life have made me realize the instability of human relations. I've always been a very trusting, open person with a propensity to make myself vulnerable. I honestly don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but the more I think about it I wish I could be closed off. I wish I could shut people out and move throughout the world unaffected by the people I'm surrounded by. Lately there's been this feeling weighing me down, so much that I don't know if it's just a momentary feeling or a permanent break in my personality. I feel broken and bitter. It isn't just because of the recent events of this past week, but a steady oncoming of bitterness towards those who care about me and to twist things even further: the one person who doesn't really care is the one person I want to reach out to the most right now. 

A recent conversation with a very close friend of mine left me with the realization that I've changed, even in just the past few weeks. This fog I've been feeling, this sadness I can't figure out the exact reason for it. Sure life has been wiping the floor with my emotions lately, but it has never left such a bad taste in my mouth. I've never had the inability to cry or to reach out to those I care about before, and that scares the shit out of me. Regardless of how devastated I've gotten in the past, I've always been able to connect with others and to reach out but right now I feel this wall of rationality making me completely emotionally unavailable, even to myself.

I honestly don't know if and when I will snap out of this, but until that happens I can feel the tension and strain it puts in the air. I don't like being touched, talked to, reached out to for comfort, or sharing how I'm feeling to someone in person. The second it's more than this one-sided, electronic rant I get anxious and completely shut down and to be honest, I don't know if the only reason I'm able to write this right now is just because I'm still really drunk from last night. I've also been drinking a lot these past few days, which has led to moments of weakness where I have to fight myself in order to not text or reach out to a certain person. Which, as a result, shuts me down completely from everything and everyone else. 

She honestly isn't the reason I'm acting this way and has very little to do with why I'm fucked up right now, but goddamn it sucks to not be able to talk to someone I consider to be a really important person, even still. I let her in and now this quitting her cold turkey thing made me realize how much of myself I made vulnerable and how much of a, albeit momentary, best friend she was to me. The support I wanted wasn't to be found there, though, and now that I really need it yet feel this incapability to emotionally attach myself to others, I don't know where to turn. 

So here I am at 5 in the morning, half drunk and feeling the hangover begin the hammering against the back of my eyelids. I'm scared, yet somehow emotionally detached when in situations where I should feel afraid. I'm tired, but can't sleep when I know I should. I'm surrounded by people who care about me, but feel alone. I want so many things I can't have from people that can't give them to me. 

If you've made it to here without skimming: congratulations and thank you for reading through that entire scary block of text! I honestly can't do it most of the time unless what the person has to say is completely riveting, so I will take your having read all of my ramblings as a compliment! I guess the only thing about life I know for sure is constant and consistent, is that it isn't. Stability is fleeting when it's reliant on the relationships you have with other people. 

G'night/G'morning world. I will see you when I wake up..sober..and hopefully without a massive hangover.

Time.

I know you'd give more if you had the time.
But the timing ain't lining with the rhyming of the scheme of our lives.
Beginning and ending in a coffee shop,
I knew this love would not
last.
You're still stuck in the past.
Now it's raining on me as I write this poem,
just like the other night when I walked home
and you drove away in the opposite direction.
I knew then I wasn't holding your affections.
You were already shutting me out.
I sensed your eyes and words filled with doubt
about
us and, what the hell were we thinking?
Too many times you'd say 'I want you here'
and then push me away in fear
until time ran out for us to mend
'cause your schedule has no room to bend
for me or anyone.
You filled your life with distraction and responsibilities
to get away from the pain in your past,
but now it's too full to start anything new and make it last.
I don't regret anything and I never wasn't myself,
I just wish for time for you to lose yourself.
'cause You've been holding on so tight.
I was hoping so hard for just one night
I could show you what that feels like,
but there's no time.
We ran out the clock and,
just like that, our time is up.
Now I'm stuck
standing in this cafe trying to put back the pieces
you chipped from the great wall around my heart.
We had such a great start
in the race to the center of each other,
but somewhere we tripped up or rather, you did.
You drifted.
Not by anyones fault but time and how little you have of it to share
and divide up between the people in your life.
There I was standing in the line,
begging for scraps of your already scrapped up time.
But I was the new one,
the extra-curricular, recreational, elective thing
that held no precedence over other ties, a fling.
I could've been more, I had more to give.
I had more I wanted to do,
to give more of my heart to you.
But you can't so I won't
and I'm sad that you don't and didn't
let us finish,
'cause this is incomplete.
My heart still beats to this drumming,
pounding resounding in my skull,
telling me I can feel it in my bones,
that you and me,
we could be happy,
if only there was
time.