Female sexualization

About a week ago I finished reading a very savory read titled "Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture". I'm still digesting a lot of the information presented in the book but one thing that really spoke to me was the contribution that women have in the continued objectification and dehumanization of other women and girls. Sex positivity, as I've come to understand it, is about openness and acceptance. It's the ability to be honest about your sexual desires and be surrounded by those who don't make you feel ashamed for having them, especially when they are not in the 'norm' of mainstream sexual culture (BDSM, Kink, homosexuality, etc..). But what it has become is an embracing of male-dominant objectification of other women, a movement towards a cultural acceptance of using and appraising women's bodies as commodities. Empowerment has become equated with looking like a Playboy model instead of thinking like Judith Butler. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't care at all how people express themselves, whether that means wearing pasties and booty shorts or turtle-necked sweaters. I think that women don't ask to be objectified when they wear certain clothes, and when it comes to respecting your fellow human, clothes and personal expressions should be superfluous. Despite that, I cannot believe that this model of 'empowerment' doesn't just continue to keep women preoccupied with finding self-worth in appearance rather than valuing themselves as intellectual, capable, independent beings. How can we say that women are liberated and have more opportunities today than before when those opportunities mean the ability to flash our bare breasts at cameras for money (or hats), or strip-teasing strangers as a way of showing sexual freedom? Or, what I find more disturbing: boosting your own status by agreeing with and acting 'like a man' towards other women. I admit that I'm guilty of it myself! Somehow being feminine and 'girly' is associated in our society with weakness and the way you can take yourself out of that category is by objectifying them 'like a man' would. But in reality all that does is take away your status as a threat to the 'boy's club' mentality and continues towards perpetuating animosity and, ultimately, violence towards those who are the 'girly-girls'. I look at many popular female artists and see them attempting this same removal of themselves from the category of 'girly-girls', for instance:

And, an example of equating weakness with femininity:

The message is that women who act 'like men' are cool and that femaleness is something to be not only ashamed of, but annoyed of and weeded out. By acting 'like a man' are we really raising our own statuses or just pushing those of other's underneath ours? I'm really all for acting, dressing, and being sexy whenever I want to, but I'm certainly not going to do it solely for the benefit or gratification of others. When media and society is telling women that their self-worth relies heavily upon their appearance, and the women we look up to are finding power in sexualizing themselves instead of running for office, what message does that send young girls today? It said to me that the only way I'll ever be successful is if I'm sexy and can use my sexuality against men and other women to gain power and self-worth. If you aren't 'empowered' in that way then you are seen as weak and un-pretty.

Empowerment does not mean wearing a pin-up necklace that says 'sexy' or going to strip-clubs with your guy friends (especially if you're a straight woman). It seems to me that it's something much harder to get at and understand so we continue to fall back on finding self-worth and glorification in sexual objectification. I refuse to lie about the fact that it bothers me when a successful woman gets more compliments on what she is wearing than what she said and has more people wondering about her sex life than her political agenda. If you don't believe this is true then read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jessica-wakeman/on-sexist-media-coverage_b_98869.html


So now what? That is the big question that I feel we are all stuck on. Do we boycott playboy, picket strip-clubs, send plastic surgeons anger laden emails? I don't think any of those things would be as productive as they would be fun and would indeed be incredibly isolating to those who are in the sex industry and do enjoy their jobs. There just needs to be a change in the way we view female  empowerment as something to be respected instead of our bodies being chopped up and sold like mindless, opinion-less, prime slabs of meat. Instead of a playboy, pick up an encyclopedia. Instead of Cosmo, pick up a feminist journal. Or, if you do enjoy those things at least try to recognize the hidden messages in headlines like: How to make your man come in 10 new ways. How about: how to make yourself come in 10 new ways? How to teach your partner how to make you come in 10 new ways? etc, etc.

Your mind is worth developing, more so than your wardrobe. You can do anything you want as long as you have the passion and drive to keep going and get yourself there, it has nothing to do with the brand of shampoo you buy or how much weight you lost while eating yogurt. THAT is empowerment.

Leave comments if you gots them! :)
End.

Helicopter Parents

After reading this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Mickey-goodman/are-we-raising-a-generati_b_1249706.html

I guess here is a moment to do some personal reflection into my own life and maybe it might be helpful for anyone out there who reads this.

Growing up for me was pretty much normal in comparison to those I've talked to about their own experiences: awkwardness, uncertainty, mistakes, embarrassment, etc. etc... But the one thing that I know happens to more children than it should (but is a bit less common than the typical horror of growing up) happened to me. I didn't understand it, I thought it was my fault. I trusted an adult who took advantage of my innocence, which I know now isn't my fault. But to say that it hadn't affected the way I grew and developed would be a lie. It touched every aspect of my life from body-image and self-worth, to interpersonal relationship building and physical/mental health. To be blunt: it fucked me up for a long time. I thought it was my fault and that I was dirty. As a result I never spoke to my parents about what happened, I gladly swept it under the rug and tried to pretend I was ok and 'normal'. To everyone else it seemed that my grievances were normal teen upsets, my depression and anxiety were NOT because of what he did to me and not why I couldn't seem to trust anyone anymore. While inside I was developing like a tree next to a contaminated water supply, I was rotting away inside as I grew on the outside. I gladly welcomed the control and dominance of my mother because it took away any of the decision making process from myself. It enabled me to curl up inside myself and nurse the wounds I hid out of shame. It also let me drown. The best way I can describe my teen years is in german: Ich habe mich betäubt. I numbed or anesthetized myself by offering up my control. Besides, my own mother should know what's best, right? What happened during those years (from around 12-19) was a mixture of deprecation, shame, guilt, lies, delusion, and manipulation. She ran my life as if it were hers. It might as well have been hers because I definitely wasn't living. When I had moments of wanting to be independent I was made to feel incapable of doing so, I was guilted 'out of love' not to get a job because she wanted to protect me from the life she had and then when I voiced my want to gain any kind of independence she would claw at and guilt me back down. I still don't even have a driver's license as a result. Instead of allowing me to experience my own life she would dictate and manipulate everything from my lessons (which she attended and watched over like a smug hawk) to my friends. My weight, my appearance, my body...it was all up to her for criticism. I struggled with eating disorders and a severe case of body dysmorphia as a result of her intense obsession with making me look 'good' and 'female' and 'perfect'. If I was thin I received praise, if I played well I got hugs and flowers, but if I was or did neither I was criticized, made to feel ashamed, and coerced into trying harder at whatever thing she was throwing me into (usually flute competitions that I didn't want to be at regardless if I won). For her, showing affection was about buying things, complimenting me when I was thin, telling me that 'I'd be pretty if' (or, my favorite: "You'd have boys chasing you if.."), and taking away all my experiences so I wouldn't have to have any of them. If I ever had any opinion different than hers I was made to feel inferior and unintelligent, too young to be capable of important thoughts, so as to put me back in the box of who she wanted me to be: dependent, subservient, validating. I stayed quiet, I didn't come out, I let my body continue to be her puppet until I left for college.

With all that as a back story, you can guess how my first attempts at an independent college life turned out: pretty fucking shitty.  I was so lost. She wasn't there to tell me what to do every second of the day and the hollow roots I had grown crumbled beneath me. I clamored for some kind of structure and flailed, which was very obvious to the professors and others that expected me to be self-sufficient like a 'normal' functioning adult, as I legally was one by then. So I let her keep calling the shots, writing my scholarships, signing my name, cashing my checks, and all because she made me believe I was incapable of doing those things without her. It was all made worse by the fact that she would complain about helping me, and then when I tried to take ownership and control back she would try and make me feel guilty by saying things like, "Don't you appreciate what I do for you?" or "Don't you love me?", "I just do this because I care." I couldn't win. Then is when I also found drugs (weed) and alcohol. The idea behind that was: if I can't control my life than at least I can control how out-of-control I am. Or at least forget about how out of control I am for a night. All the while realizing that I'm gay and struggling to fit that into my already fucked-up self-image. This set the stage perfectly for how I saw myself in relationships and let men, in particular, walk all over me. It was the perfect power dynamic for sexual assault to occur, and because I was so insecure and low self-esteem it made it even easier for shittier people to find and control me. After that happened I just spiraled out of control, searching for stability in anything.

It wasn't until sophomore year until I finally started gaining the strength to speak up for myself. I chopped off all my hair, pierced more holes into my face, got involved on campus in the LGBTQA- and women's- centers, and I started talking about my experiences. I came out to all my friends and eventually gained the strength to just be out. Things were great and I was finally starting to grow into myself and feel what it is to be a whole, independent person. When I finally came out to my mother I was prepared for how awful the experience would be but not for the aftermath and the slew of horrible things she sent my way on the daily. I was made to feel ashamed again for not dressing like a woman 'should', and invalidated in my convictions, "You just want to try and be a man." "You're just confused" "You wonder why men don't want you when you look and dress like that.." etc, etc...She refused to acknowledge my identity, let alone talk about it openly and lovingly. I wasn't the demure, quiet, subservient, obedient, straight girl she raised. I never was. I never will be. Slowly and steadily the only thing should could continue to control was my musical ability and expression. Because she had been the enabler for this my entire musical life, I never felt that it was fully and truly mine. I just didn't understand if the reason why I continue to play is because it's so much a part of me or because I was still operating on some kind of twisted, manipulative autopilot. I contemplated dropping out, or changing my major...dropped into the lower band for a term. What I learned there, while I was gaining dependence on the home front, is that I love being a musician. It is my air, my life. So I had to choose to either start taking control of it or hate it and forever associate it with all the badness I'd experienced.

I stopped including her in my life. Maybe that wasn't such a loving thing to do, but it was what I had to do. If you keep justifying an abusers actions and letting them in out of some kind of emotional obligation, they are just going to keep walking all over you. We don't have a good relationship now, and maybe that will change in the future. But at least now I know who I am and what I want and that I'm capable of achieving my goals independently. Gaining independence is hard, especially when you've been told all your life that it's selfish to want anything for yourself and made to feel like a child. So, if you are or have been experiencing something similar, here are some steps I think could help:

1. Seek counseling. It doesn't mean you're crazy, but having someone there to listen who is trained to help you out is a great way to start setting up a good foundation. They can also give you self-care pointers and network you up with some great places and resources. Seeking help is hard and it takes guts, but I promise it is worth it!

2. Branch out. Get involved and start listening/reading/speaking with others with shared/similar experiences. You're not alone. Start developing a close group of friends and a support network that believes in you and wants you to succeed.

3. Be honest with yourself about your experiences and how you feel. The worst thing for me was when I felt like something was wrong and I didn't feel like I could say no. If something doesn't feel right, you don't have to sit back and take it and be polite. Let your voice be heard, and if you feel like it would be dangerous or you don't feel comfortable to speak up then you still have your support network to fall back on.

4. Self-care. I dance because I've found that it is the best therapy I've ever known. Find moments of joy and celebrate them. Find friends that you can be your nerdy self around and dance with them :) But remember to take time for yourself and set boundaries. It's YOUR life and you have the power to decide what YOU want to do with it.

Whew! Writing this stuff is exhausting..but if y'all have any comments or similar stories then feel free to leave me a shout out. I'd love to talk to anyone who is willing and be of help to anyone struggling with anything similar (or not) to what I went through. It sucks to feel like you're the only one and that there's nobody out there that understands what it's like.

END.


PS If you have been sexually assaulted or are supporting someone who has been, check this out:

http://www.sass-lane.org/

Wow.

There has been much lately in the way of commentary on Chris Brown's appearance at the Grammys. Much in the way of support and forgiveness forgetfulness of the events that transpired approximately 3 years ago between him and a well-known pop diva that I honestly don't need to mention because she has had her name strewn across one too many blogs and peeps er..tweets.

I've noticed especially that women have not only been blaming the survivor for the assault but also wishing it had been them because getting beaten is okay and desirable as long as it's by someone as good-looking and famous as Chris Brown..and holding puppies while making a duck face means that you are sensitive. (See: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys) I would like to take this opportunity to remind those who know of the LaMichael James event that occurred approximately around the same time and has already been forgotten among all of his awards and football accomplishments. Here, let's take a little trip down memory lane:

Read this: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Another-Duck-in-cuffs-LaMichael-James-booked-fo?urn=ncaaf,220264

Quotey-quote:
"James’ girlfriend, according to the police report, said the running back grabbed her around the neck and pushed her to the ground. She complained of pain to her neck and of abrasions from being pushed down in a parking lot."


And now tell me exactly why he is an amazing person? I mean, Hitler was a great speech-writer and motivational speaker. Wagner was a proud anti-semite that wrote historically important music and changed the face of opera to how we know it today. Clearly: Great ability does not equate to great morality. Historically speaking it seems like it is easy for us, as a whole society, to gloss over horrible facts when the perpetrator/deed-doer is famous or popular (obviously NOT in the case of Hitler). It is easier to blame the survivor than believe that someone we admire is capable of committing such a terrible offense and that, if they did, it was obviously provoked and well-deserved on the part of the survivor. Having an ability does not make you a god or excuse you from the normal system of crime punishment that we are all subject to, especially in the case of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Not only the case of Chris Brown and LaMichael James, but also Nate Jaqua, the athlete that ("allegedly"..emphatic eye-rolling) raped one of our female soccer players. He was sued for raping a member of the UO women's soccer team in 2007 but his name magically appeared on one of our newest buildings for student-athletes. Hush money? Coincidence? (See: http://www.komonews.com/sports/49926737.html) The assault happened not 5 years ago but his name is up in lights and NOBODY I've talked to about this had ever even heard of the case.

Nate Jaqua is seen here sporting a Seattle Sounders Jersey

The John Jaqua Center is described here by KEZI News:

"The 40,000 square foot center has tutor rooms on the first floor, which will be available for general student use, as well as a coffee shop. The second and third floors are for student athletes only and provide students with state-of-the art facilities, including a computer lab, graphics lab, and 30 tutor rooms. "

So not only am I unable, as a fee-paying UO student, to use a large majority of the facilities, but I have to look at it every day and know who paid for it. My student funds run a building that stands for everything I don't believe in: elitism, misogyny, sexism, and separatism.

The kind of message this sends is that successful men can and are entitled to do whatever they want, especially to women. That if a woman is assaulted by one of these men then it is clearly her fault for provoking the attack. That if the survivor tries to seek justice from the system for the crimes committed against her (Yes. I am aware that men can also be survivors. Do I need to even mention the Joe Paterno deal?) then she will face a slew of opinions ranging from disbelief to hate from her perpetrator's fan base.

If logic is what we're going for here, then try a sip of this:
Rape and assault are crimes of power, not hyper-sexuality. I do not know of anyone who asks to be assaulted or would like millions of people to judge, degrade, misinterpret, and blame them for their experience. When someone chooses to tell or report their story they usually have to tell it multiple times to many different people. Why would someone lie about something so personal and traumatic only to be smeared throughout the public and traumatized even further? The false report rate for rape and sexual assault is actually the same as any misdemeanor (so, VERY UNCOMMON) so we can only deduce here that it is in our best interests and the interests of the survivor to believe her/him/ihr.

To the women who would like to be beaten by Chris Brown: getting beaten by him will feel the same as getting beaten by anyone else-- terrible. So quit looking at him like he pisses rainbows and sweats diamonds and be realistic about how men should treat women.

END.