Ass potatoes.

In the past I've only ever resorted to blogging when Icould tell my friends were tired of me continuously assaulting their ears with every boring detail I would obsess about from previous relationships. In a desperate attempt to continue poring over every minute detail of why they sucked assballs and how they ruined my perfect life I would, in my emotional zenith, come crawling to the internet as a silent and trusty companion to listen patiently to my ridiculous rants and raves. After every post, however, I would realize how amazingly stupid I sounded and thank god that nobody who would ever possibly stumble upon this gives a hotgoddamn about who the fuck I am.

With that said, I would like to make a promise that one-sided relationship rants will never again be posted on my blog or else I will go home, capture all the spiders in my house and eat them one by one while flogging myself with electrical cords.I do not EVER want to do that because:
1. Spiders= icky satanic sacks of shit
2. Spiders make webs. Usually in inappropriate places such as the shower, under your sink where you reach for happy clean soap, and sneak into your shoes like sketchy muthafuckers.
3. Fuck spiders.
4. Black. Hair. Everywhere.

As for the flogging:
1. Fuck that shit.

As for the

attached pictures!

I will never, EVER, never be able to NOT break anything. I am physically incapable of leading a normal, injury-free life where I will know exactly where all my shit is at all times.

Ever since I was a child I was constantly running into things, slamming various body parts in doors, and forgetting basic things like brushing my hair or putting on shoes.
I was weird, had a speech impediment, smelled (because I never bathed), thought out loud, wore glasses, and had copious amounts of unwanted body hair. If that wasn't enough, I had speech therapy, weekly visits with the guidance counselor, and a knack for attracting the worst kinds of cruel fate a child could ever imagine. A talent that has followed me into my teens and even into college.
These are the stories that I will now be writing about from now on. Or the arachnid flogging situation WILL commence until little spidey shits smile up at me from the porcelain poo tank.