Female sexualization

About a week ago I finished reading a very savory read titled "Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture". I'm still digesting a lot of the information presented in the book but one thing that really spoke to me was the contribution that women have in the continued objectification and dehumanization of other women and girls. Sex positivity, as I've come to understand it, is about openness and acceptance. It's the ability to be honest about your sexual desires and be surrounded by those who don't make you feel ashamed for having them, especially when they are not in the 'norm' of mainstream sexual culture (BDSM, Kink, homosexuality, etc..). But what it has become is an embracing of male-dominant objectification of other women, a movement towards a cultural acceptance of using and appraising women's bodies as commodities. Empowerment has become equated with looking like a Playboy model instead of thinking like Judith Butler. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't care at all how people express themselves, whether that means wearing pasties and booty shorts or turtle-necked sweaters. I think that women don't ask to be objectified when they wear certain clothes, and when it comes to respecting your fellow human, clothes and personal expressions should be superfluous. Despite that, I cannot believe that this model of 'empowerment' doesn't just continue to keep women preoccupied with finding self-worth in appearance rather than valuing themselves as intellectual, capable, independent beings. How can we say that women are liberated and have more opportunities today than before when those opportunities mean the ability to flash our bare breasts at cameras for money (or hats), or strip-teasing strangers as a way of showing sexual freedom? Or, what I find more disturbing: boosting your own status by agreeing with and acting 'like a man' towards other women. I admit that I'm guilty of it myself! Somehow being feminine and 'girly' is associated in our society with weakness and the way you can take yourself out of that category is by objectifying them 'like a man' would. But in reality all that does is take away your status as a threat to the 'boy's club' mentality and continues towards perpetuating animosity and, ultimately, violence towards those who are the 'girly-girls'. I look at many popular female artists and see them attempting this same removal of themselves from the category of 'girly-girls', for instance:

And, an example of equating weakness with femininity:

The message is that women who act 'like men' are cool and that femaleness is something to be not only ashamed of, but annoyed of and weeded out. By acting 'like a man' are we really raising our own statuses or just pushing those of other's underneath ours? I'm really all for acting, dressing, and being sexy whenever I want to, but I'm certainly not going to do it solely for the benefit or gratification of others. When media and society is telling women that their self-worth relies heavily upon their appearance, and the women we look up to are finding power in sexualizing themselves instead of running for office, what message does that send young girls today? It said to me that the only way I'll ever be successful is if I'm sexy and can use my sexuality against men and other women to gain power and self-worth. If you aren't 'empowered' in that way then you are seen as weak and un-pretty.

Empowerment does not mean wearing a pin-up necklace that says 'sexy' or going to strip-clubs with your guy friends (especially if you're a straight woman). It seems to me that it's something much harder to get at and understand so we continue to fall back on finding self-worth and glorification in sexual objectification. I refuse to lie about the fact that it bothers me when a successful woman gets more compliments on what she is wearing than what she said and has more people wondering about her sex life than her political agenda. If you don't believe this is true then read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jessica-wakeman/on-sexist-media-coverage_b_98869.html


So now what? That is the big question that I feel we are all stuck on. Do we boycott playboy, picket strip-clubs, send plastic surgeons anger laden emails? I don't think any of those things would be as productive as they would be fun and would indeed be incredibly isolating to those who are in the sex industry and do enjoy their jobs. There just needs to be a change in the way we view female  empowerment as something to be respected instead of our bodies being chopped up and sold like mindless, opinion-less, prime slabs of meat. Instead of a playboy, pick up an encyclopedia. Instead of Cosmo, pick up a feminist journal. Or, if you do enjoy those things at least try to recognize the hidden messages in headlines like: How to make your man come in 10 new ways. How about: how to make yourself come in 10 new ways? How to teach your partner how to make you come in 10 new ways? etc, etc.

Your mind is worth developing, more so than your wardrobe. You can do anything you want as long as you have the passion and drive to keep going and get yourself there, it has nothing to do with the brand of shampoo you buy or how much weight you lost while eating yogurt. THAT is empowerment.

Leave comments if you gots them! :)
End.

Helicopter Parents

After reading this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Mickey-goodman/are-we-raising-a-generati_b_1249706.html

I guess here is a moment to do some personal reflection into my own life and maybe it might be helpful for anyone out there who reads this.

Growing up for me was pretty much normal in comparison to those I've talked to about their own experiences: awkwardness, uncertainty, mistakes, embarrassment, etc. etc... But the one thing that I know happens to more children than it should (but is a bit less common than the typical horror of growing up) happened to me. I didn't understand it, I thought it was my fault. I trusted an adult who took advantage of my innocence, which I know now isn't my fault. But to say that it hadn't affected the way I grew and developed would be a lie. It touched every aspect of my life from body-image and self-worth, to interpersonal relationship building and physical/mental health. To be blunt: it fucked me up for a long time. I thought it was my fault and that I was dirty. As a result I never spoke to my parents about what happened, I gladly swept it under the rug and tried to pretend I was ok and 'normal'. To everyone else it seemed that my grievances were normal teen upsets, my depression and anxiety were NOT because of what he did to me and not why I couldn't seem to trust anyone anymore. While inside I was developing like a tree next to a contaminated water supply, I was rotting away inside as I grew on the outside. I gladly welcomed the control and dominance of my mother because it took away any of the decision making process from myself. It enabled me to curl up inside myself and nurse the wounds I hid out of shame. It also let me drown. The best way I can describe my teen years is in german: Ich habe mich betäubt. I numbed or anesthetized myself by offering up my control. Besides, my own mother should know what's best, right? What happened during those years (from around 12-19) was a mixture of deprecation, shame, guilt, lies, delusion, and manipulation. She ran my life as if it were hers. It might as well have been hers because I definitely wasn't living. When I had moments of wanting to be independent I was made to feel incapable of doing so, I was guilted 'out of love' not to get a job because she wanted to protect me from the life she had and then when I voiced my want to gain any kind of independence she would claw at and guilt me back down. I still don't even have a driver's license as a result. Instead of allowing me to experience my own life she would dictate and manipulate everything from my lessons (which she attended and watched over like a smug hawk) to my friends. My weight, my appearance, my body...it was all up to her for criticism. I struggled with eating disorders and a severe case of body dysmorphia as a result of her intense obsession with making me look 'good' and 'female' and 'perfect'. If I was thin I received praise, if I played well I got hugs and flowers, but if I was or did neither I was criticized, made to feel ashamed, and coerced into trying harder at whatever thing she was throwing me into (usually flute competitions that I didn't want to be at regardless if I won). For her, showing affection was about buying things, complimenting me when I was thin, telling me that 'I'd be pretty if' (or, my favorite: "You'd have boys chasing you if.."), and taking away all my experiences so I wouldn't have to have any of them. If I ever had any opinion different than hers I was made to feel inferior and unintelligent, too young to be capable of important thoughts, so as to put me back in the box of who she wanted me to be: dependent, subservient, validating. I stayed quiet, I didn't come out, I let my body continue to be her puppet until I left for college.

With all that as a back story, you can guess how my first attempts at an independent college life turned out: pretty fucking shitty.  I was so lost. She wasn't there to tell me what to do every second of the day and the hollow roots I had grown crumbled beneath me. I clamored for some kind of structure and flailed, which was very obvious to the professors and others that expected me to be self-sufficient like a 'normal' functioning adult, as I legally was one by then. So I let her keep calling the shots, writing my scholarships, signing my name, cashing my checks, and all because she made me believe I was incapable of doing those things without her. It was all made worse by the fact that she would complain about helping me, and then when I tried to take ownership and control back she would try and make me feel guilty by saying things like, "Don't you appreciate what I do for you?" or "Don't you love me?", "I just do this because I care." I couldn't win. Then is when I also found drugs (weed) and alcohol. The idea behind that was: if I can't control my life than at least I can control how out-of-control I am. Or at least forget about how out of control I am for a night. All the while realizing that I'm gay and struggling to fit that into my already fucked-up self-image. This set the stage perfectly for how I saw myself in relationships and let men, in particular, walk all over me. It was the perfect power dynamic for sexual assault to occur, and because I was so insecure and low self-esteem it made it even easier for shittier people to find and control me. After that happened I just spiraled out of control, searching for stability in anything.

It wasn't until sophomore year until I finally started gaining the strength to speak up for myself. I chopped off all my hair, pierced more holes into my face, got involved on campus in the LGBTQA- and women's- centers, and I started talking about my experiences. I came out to all my friends and eventually gained the strength to just be out. Things were great and I was finally starting to grow into myself and feel what it is to be a whole, independent person. When I finally came out to my mother I was prepared for how awful the experience would be but not for the aftermath and the slew of horrible things she sent my way on the daily. I was made to feel ashamed again for not dressing like a woman 'should', and invalidated in my convictions, "You just want to try and be a man." "You're just confused" "You wonder why men don't want you when you look and dress like that.." etc, etc...She refused to acknowledge my identity, let alone talk about it openly and lovingly. I wasn't the demure, quiet, subservient, obedient, straight girl she raised. I never was. I never will be. Slowly and steadily the only thing should could continue to control was my musical ability and expression. Because she had been the enabler for this my entire musical life, I never felt that it was fully and truly mine. I just didn't understand if the reason why I continue to play is because it's so much a part of me or because I was still operating on some kind of twisted, manipulative autopilot. I contemplated dropping out, or changing my major...dropped into the lower band for a term. What I learned there, while I was gaining dependence on the home front, is that I love being a musician. It is my air, my life. So I had to choose to either start taking control of it or hate it and forever associate it with all the badness I'd experienced.

I stopped including her in my life. Maybe that wasn't such a loving thing to do, but it was what I had to do. If you keep justifying an abusers actions and letting them in out of some kind of emotional obligation, they are just going to keep walking all over you. We don't have a good relationship now, and maybe that will change in the future. But at least now I know who I am and what I want and that I'm capable of achieving my goals independently. Gaining independence is hard, especially when you've been told all your life that it's selfish to want anything for yourself and made to feel like a child. So, if you are or have been experiencing something similar, here are some steps I think could help:

1. Seek counseling. It doesn't mean you're crazy, but having someone there to listen who is trained to help you out is a great way to start setting up a good foundation. They can also give you self-care pointers and network you up with some great places and resources. Seeking help is hard and it takes guts, but I promise it is worth it!

2. Branch out. Get involved and start listening/reading/speaking with others with shared/similar experiences. You're not alone. Start developing a close group of friends and a support network that believes in you and wants you to succeed.

3. Be honest with yourself about your experiences and how you feel. The worst thing for me was when I felt like something was wrong and I didn't feel like I could say no. If something doesn't feel right, you don't have to sit back and take it and be polite. Let your voice be heard, and if you feel like it would be dangerous or you don't feel comfortable to speak up then you still have your support network to fall back on.

4. Self-care. I dance because I've found that it is the best therapy I've ever known. Find moments of joy and celebrate them. Find friends that you can be your nerdy self around and dance with them :) But remember to take time for yourself and set boundaries. It's YOUR life and you have the power to decide what YOU want to do with it.

Whew! Writing this stuff is exhausting..but if y'all have any comments or similar stories then feel free to leave me a shout out. I'd love to talk to anyone who is willing and be of help to anyone struggling with anything similar (or not) to what I went through. It sucks to feel like you're the only one and that there's nobody out there that understands what it's like.

END.


PS If you have been sexually assaulted or are supporting someone who has been, check this out:

http://www.sass-lane.org/

Wow.

There has been much lately in the way of commentary on Chris Brown's appearance at the Grammys. Much in the way of support and forgiveness forgetfulness of the events that transpired approximately 3 years ago between him and a well-known pop diva that I honestly don't need to mention because she has had her name strewn across one too many blogs and peeps er..tweets.

I've noticed especially that women have not only been blaming the survivor for the assault but also wishing it had been them because getting beaten is okay and desirable as long as it's by someone as good-looking and famous as Chris Brown..and holding puppies while making a duck face means that you are sensitive. (See: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys) I would like to take this opportunity to remind those who know of the LaMichael James event that occurred approximately around the same time and has already been forgotten among all of his awards and football accomplishments. Here, let's take a little trip down memory lane:

Read this: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Another-Duck-in-cuffs-LaMichael-James-booked-fo?urn=ncaaf,220264

Quotey-quote:
"James’ girlfriend, according to the police report, said the running back grabbed her around the neck and pushed her to the ground. She complained of pain to her neck and of abrasions from being pushed down in a parking lot."


And now tell me exactly why he is an amazing person? I mean, Hitler was a great speech-writer and motivational speaker. Wagner was a proud anti-semite that wrote historically important music and changed the face of opera to how we know it today. Clearly: Great ability does not equate to great morality. Historically speaking it seems like it is easy for us, as a whole society, to gloss over horrible facts when the perpetrator/deed-doer is famous or popular (obviously NOT in the case of Hitler). It is easier to blame the survivor than believe that someone we admire is capable of committing such a terrible offense and that, if they did, it was obviously provoked and well-deserved on the part of the survivor. Having an ability does not make you a god or excuse you from the normal system of crime punishment that we are all subject to, especially in the case of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Not only the case of Chris Brown and LaMichael James, but also Nate Jaqua, the athlete that ("allegedly"..emphatic eye-rolling) raped one of our female soccer players. He was sued for raping a member of the UO women's soccer team in 2007 but his name magically appeared on one of our newest buildings for student-athletes. Hush money? Coincidence? (See: http://www.komonews.com/sports/49926737.html) The assault happened not 5 years ago but his name is up in lights and NOBODY I've talked to about this had ever even heard of the case.

Nate Jaqua is seen here sporting a Seattle Sounders Jersey

The John Jaqua Center is described here by KEZI News:

"The 40,000 square foot center has tutor rooms on the first floor, which will be available for general student use, as well as a coffee shop. The second and third floors are for student athletes only and provide students with state-of-the art facilities, including a computer lab, graphics lab, and 30 tutor rooms. "

So not only am I unable, as a fee-paying UO student, to use a large majority of the facilities, but I have to look at it every day and know who paid for it. My student funds run a building that stands for everything I don't believe in: elitism, misogyny, sexism, and separatism.

The kind of message this sends is that successful men can and are entitled to do whatever they want, especially to women. That if a woman is assaulted by one of these men then it is clearly her fault for provoking the attack. That if the survivor tries to seek justice from the system for the crimes committed against her (Yes. I am aware that men can also be survivors. Do I need to even mention the Joe Paterno deal?) then she will face a slew of opinions ranging from disbelief to hate from her perpetrator's fan base.

If logic is what we're going for here, then try a sip of this:
Rape and assault are crimes of power, not hyper-sexuality. I do not know of anyone who asks to be assaulted or would like millions of people to judge, degrade, misinterpret, and blame them for their experience. When someone chooses to tell or report their story they usually have to tell it multiple times to many different people. Why would someone lie about something so personal and traumatic only to be smeared throughout the public and traumatized even further? The false report rate for rape and sexual assault is actually the same as any misdemeanor (so, VERY UNCOMMON) so we can only deduce here that it is in our best interests and the interests of the survivor to believe her/him/ihr.

To the women who would like to be beaten by Chris Brown: getting beaten by him will feel the same as getting beaten by anyone else-- terrible. So quit looking at him like he pisses rainbows and sweats diamonds and be realistic about how men should treat women.

END.

Ein bisschen auf Deutsch...

Heute bin ich ein bisschen Krank aber ich bin so Glücklich trotz alledem...Ich habe etwas herausgefunden! Ich bin nur ein Jahr alter als bevor aber es war ein chaotische Jahr...Ich habe viele Getränke getrunken, mit vielen Menschen getroffen, und ich bin nach Europa und zurück geflogen. Ich hatte in einem Jahr von Herzschmerz, Glück, Angst und so weiter gefühlt. Es war voll von Erlebnisse, die mich unterrichtet, um Leben besser zu verstehen. Was ist es, das ich herausgefunden habe?


Wahrheit ist wirklich die besten Ding von der ganzen Welt.
Das ist mein Motto für diese nächsten Jahre.

Ich bin noch nicht Bereit, vor die echte Welt zu stehen, aber ich bin sicher, dass Wahrheit die Vorgehensweise ist.

Aus.
Patti

Whoah! Long time no see..

Hey peeps! I'm back! It's a Friday night and I don't care, it's gon' get crazy up in here!

Actually..I'm at work, on a Friday night. I need money, ok?!?!?


Updating: 2012 started out with promise and hope and cats and all that goodness. I didn't make a resolution but I did get my first new year's kiss by a lovely, wonderful friend named Anna. Friend is the keyword here. I've finally decided that dating is not my forte. Girls are just...well, fuck...girls are just great! But music is and will forever be my heart and soul. If and when dating fits into that I will try and welcome whatever disasters may ensue with open arms, heart, and mind. But until then I've got priorities, man!

Not to say I won't keep my peripherals peeled for possible potentials but I think the bench is the right place for my love life right now. I mean..cause there happens to be several intriguing and sexually attractive females about 2 degrees away from myself....not that I'm noticing or anything.

....droooooooool.

ER!
Anyways, life has been hectic and wonderful the past few months and I feel like I should try and do it some justice here.

I was accepted for a teaching internship through the university German department and this term I'll be studying pedagogy and things to prepare me for teaching elementary students next term. I'm currently shitting my pants.

I spent winter break in Virginia with my fasha doing Christmasy things and playing with cats, which was quite awesome. Tip: don't try and teach old, male, navy retirees about transgenderism at a bar. It will end in severe disappointment and frustration on your side and pure, drunken amusement on theirs.

I'm currently trying my hand at an Au Pair website! Germany and/or Austria this summer would be fantastic and hey, if I made a little money and was able to practice German while living in a German home that would be even more awesome. Wish me luck!


In all this craziness I guess I'm just learning that being myself and doing things that make ME happy are what's, in the long run, going to make my life awesome. If someone wants to hop aboard this train they have to realize that it's only stop is my own happiness. I'm tired of making excuses for dating the people I date. (for example: She is just busy, that's why she hasn't come around in a week. Or: She just cares, that's why she allows me to stomp all over her.) In reality, those people were not the people I wanted to be with because I projected an image of myself that actually wasn't who I was. I also attracted people at the level in which I projected my own self-worth.

Tip: ALWAYS project yourself as being awesome, because you are. Don't settle for someone because it's easy to be around them or because they follow you around like a puppy. The reason why love is so awesome is because of the nervousness and the anxiety and the whole package of dizziness and uncertainty. If they don't make you nervous it's not worth it. If it's not a challenge, don't accept the mediocre because it's easier.

I'm not saying the people I've dated in the past were mediocre, but the relationships I had with them weren't totally awesome because I wasn't being honest about who I am and what I wanted...which made them mediocre. When you find someone that makes you feel like you could touch Uranus with your love and lights fireworks in your underpants, that is when it's worth it. Until then I'm going to stay the course and live my life exactly how I want it and do the things necessary to get me where I want to be because, in the end, all you have is yourself and, in the words of Ru Paul, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

OUT.

Adele is good for the soul.

You know those thoughts you have and those feelings you get that until you hear the right song you can't fully understand? I've been having a lot of those lately...and Adele has been the translator.

I've finally given up on trying to promise I will get back to drawing comics for this blog...it's like when they switched directors for Harry Potter. I was a little pissed and didn't really like the new, dark, "real"...sort of... style because it took away the hollywood 'magic'. But I guess that, looking back on the books and seeing the change of seriousness from the second to the third books, it was appropriate. Same with this blog. Plenty of shit happened this year that called for a serious turn that can't exactly be put into the form of hilariously poorly drawn web comics. Maybe I'll find a point or some kind of subject to rant about but right now it's nice to have an open ended avenue where I can talk about everything ranging from the smell of cat shit to soap all the way to my own personal things. It's nice for now.

So I will keep listening to the voice of Adele...keep picking up and putting the pieces of this puzzle together until, one by one, the pieces fit and I can move on with my life. Maybe I'm bound to be doing that my entire life, I don't really care because either way...I know I'll be ok.

When the lights go down in the city...

You make bad decisions that lead to drunken sobbing to your best friend at a bus stop at 5:30 in the morning. Then you have a seriously deep and meaningful conversation with her about how much you hate yourself and wish you could take back everything you did but you can't because it's on you now like a stain. A gross, disgusting stain that only time will wash off but you're so desperate to lose it you continue to make a giant fool of yourself by whimpering and crying for her to stay. But she goes anyways. Leaving you to deal with what you've done and who you've become on your own, because that's the only way you'll ever learn to face it.

Have you ever felt so ashamed you can't even cry anymore? So disgusted with yourself that your stomach turns when you think about it? Yet again I find the most inappropriate time to utterly breakdown, and at the same time I can't talk about it with the person that I should because she is in a completely different time zone.

And fuck. The landlady's daughter was here the whole night and probably heard all of my pathetic ramblings and problems. Could today get any better? Really?

But I've made my drunken, sloppy, irresponsible bed and I have to sleep in it. Who the fuck am I?

Why do I always blog when I should be doing responsible things?

It is 8:22 am here in Vienna and I should get in the shower and get ready for class at 9:30...but I needed to get this off my chest:

I don't know what I want.



That means so many things, yet is undefinable when I try to explain. So I will leave it at that and when I figure out how, why, and what I mean..I might get back to you.

Shower time!

This shit's PERSONAL.

So I should be doing my homework. I should be blogging about how wonderful Vienna is.

But instead I'm going to talk about shit back home.

Why?
Because it seems like the only people back there that truly, honestly want me to have a great time here are my girlfriend, a handful of friends, and my brother. There are so many things I wish I could scream at the people who continue to put me down and I'm glad that I am so far away that way I won't say something I'll regret later..

Long story short: I'm not going to go home for a long time. This is the last straw. The second my plane lands in PDX and I get into my girlfriend's car I'm driving straight on past home. I'm gonna go to my real home where people don't try to change me or tell me I need a husband. People who don't scream at me like a pissed off 4 year old that didn't get their chocolate bar when I tell them something they don't wanna hear. People who don't pretend everything is ok when it clearly isn't. There is where I find a true home, not this wrecked up fucked up mess you expect me to cling to like it was ever something precious. I'm so tired of keeping my mouth shut, tired of getting kicked in the teeth and then hugged and then kicked and then hugged. As if a hug and a kiss will make everything bad go away and ending the day with an 'I love you' makes me want to be around you again. No. I'm not coming back. At least not until I know you really are working on your problems and come to terms with the fact that you can only control yourself, you have none over me any more.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.

And I've been a terrible person for not blogging them. I guess the clearest way I can describe everything will be a list, then a stream of consciousness :) here goes:

- NEW GF
- I'm in fucking Vienna
- I've won a scholarship
- I'm completely out to my entire friend/family peeps
- Traveling shenanigans



I'm in fucking VIENNA!
Yep. That's right beaches. I'm in Austria soaking up to fluorescent lights and fast food smells only an international airport could produce. I've been awake for a solid 36 hours and I've had enough caffeine to power a circus of rabid squirrels on crack. I'm so jittery yet exhausted and I'm honestly finding it hard to not fall asleep between sentences. There were some CRAZY airport shenanigans that I will definitely have to draw some pictures for when I finally get all settled in with my host-family! Until then, I'm trapped in the concourse at the Vienna International Airport until around 8:30 tomorrow morning where I will be busing myself over to the orientation site. I've never felt so over my head in my life but I know this is good. The only way to learn, the only way to grow and to develop true convictions is to be made uncomfortable and to face opposition.

Actually, I think I'm just gonna cut things a little short right there..the room is spinning and I know it shouldn't be doing that..All in all, I've finally started to understand what a true, mature, healthy, and reciprocative relationship looks and feels like. It's so fan-fucking-tastic!!!! I can't wait to get back home and jump right into her arms...because I know she'll be there :3 I know and trust that she is for real and that she really, truly, honestly cares. It's some kinda tingly wonderful I've never experienced with anyone.

Alrighty! Tschüß und aufwiedersehen!

I will definitely make sure to fill y'all in on some more of what's happened this past mont, cause it's been fucking packed! But for now I have to go....before my face slams the keyboard and I start typing like ;lskhfnaks.kansdfm,.nv;ololfmas.f/...
lkansdfmaf;klnoia

wapiofjan.kfjnkasnf
las.

Random late night thought-like things.

As a result of 7 hours on a bus, 3 botched relationship attempts in the last year and a half, various other life things, and lack of sleep I've decided that the easiest way to be happy is to rely on yourself and yourself only. The moment you put that trust in someone else, well, you have no control over your own happiness anymore. True happiness comes from within and it's only something you can provide for yourself. 

If it ever happens to me again, you better be damn well good enough to place trust in and willing to give of yourself as much as I. 

Without trust there can be no successful love, without reciprocity there can be no trust. 

Sadly, no funny drawings just yet.

Sorry, y'all! I honestly have just not had much time to draw at all lately (I'm also sitting in a stairwell with a really sore butt because I'm procrastinating going home and actually doing something). I just wanted to update from the last post because that one isn't so happy, and even though those circumstances haven't necessarily changed, they've gotten severely better since!

Updates:

- I feel again, which is good.

- I don't drink as much, which is even better. (And I'm cutting beer from my diet so I won't spend so much at the pub when I go out, but now I have an insatiable taste for Jameson's...which is usually $6 per shot :/ )

- I'm actually focussing on school, which is ten billion times even better.

- I'm making plans and getting things taken care of for next year/after graduation, which is stressing me way the fuck out...but is good. Really. I'm having nightmares, for reals, about my schedule for next year and about money..

- I have an interview for a scholarship through the Pride Foundation...NBD or anything: http://www.pridefoundation.org/

- I have a possible job lined up for next year.

- I was accepted into my program for Vienna this summer.

- I'm starting a feminist musicology 'book club' type thing with some amazing people. Look out Judith Butler!!

- The weather still sucks, but my heart has finally healed.


So, in a nutshell: Life is looking up. I still hit some potholes that trip me up now and again (like accidentally forgetting my lesson time, then forgetting the time for music history discussion class...in the same day) but I can honestly say I'm happy again. I can smile again without feeling that twinge of sadness behind it, the kind that losing people special to you gives. My family, no matter how divided or spread, will always be there for me if not for each other.

Right now I'm growing and creating myself, trying to figure out my own existence and taking ownership of what/ who I am. Autonomy scares the shit out of me, but I know I can do it and I'm ready to make the jump (cut the strings, so to speak). Life as I know it will never be the same again and I'm excited to see where the doors I open take me, without the safety net of parents, money, or the things I had known and grown familiar with to stabilize myself. It's crazy scary, crazy stressful, and intensely decisive (I'm definitely not the best person when it comes to making great decisions) but it's something I need to do. I need to for myself.

Right now I'm planning. I'm setting goals and reaching them. I'm pushing myself to not settle for mediocre or average when I know I can be great or do something amazing that inspires. I'm not letting other people get in the way of that as well. The people that truly care, that are really my friends, that love me will always be here :) The people that put me down, make me feel inadequate and second guess myself: hey, I already have amazing, wonderful people in my life and I honestly don't have time to waste on your negativity.

Ok. My ass hurts really fucking bad and my lappy is about to die on me.

Tschüss y'alls!

Sometimes.

Hopefully in the next few posts I'll get back to the usual programming of funny, witty story telling with poorly drawn supplementary pictures, but right now I think some venting is very much needed. So if you're looking for a laugh, catch back up in a week or two, if you're looking for a 'hmm' and maybe an 'ohh', keep reading. If you're going to read this with a tone of anger or remorse or anything other than pure curiosity, please don't read any of this because it will get misconstrued and misunderstood.

Recently some things in my life have made me realize the instability of human relations. I've always been a very trusting, open person with a propensity to make myself vulnerable. I honestly don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but the more I think about it I wish I could be closed off. I wish I could shut people out and move throughout the world unaffected by the people I'm surrounded by. Lately there's been this feeling weighing me down, so much that I don't know if it's just a momentary feeling or a permanent break in my personality. I feel broken and bitter. It isn't just because of the recent events of this past week, but a steady oncoming of bitterness towards those who care about me and to twist things even further: the one person who doesn't really care is the one person I want to reach out to the most right now. 

A recent conversation with a very close friend of mine left me with the realization that I've changed, even in just the past few weeks. This fog I've been feeling, this sadness I can't figure out the exact reason for it. Sure life has been wiping the floor with my emotions lately, but it has never left such a bad taste in my mouth. I've never had the inability to cry or to reach out to those I care about before, and that scares the shit out of me. Regardless of how devastated I've gotten in the past, I've always been able to connect with others and to reach out but right now I feel this wall of rationality making me completely emotionally unavailable, even to myself.

I honestly don't know if and when I will snap out of this, but until that happens I can feel the tension and strain it puts in the air. I don't like being touched, talked to, reached out to for comfort, or sharing how I'm feeling to someone in person. The second it's more than this one-sided, electronic rant I get anxious and completely shut down and to be honest, I don't know if the only reason I'm able to write this right now is just because I'm still really drunk from last night. I've also been drinking a lot these past few days, which has led to moments of weakness where I have to fight myself in order to not text or reach out to a certain person. Which, as a result, shuts me down completely from everything and everyone else. 

She honestly isn't the reason I'm acting this way and has very little to do with why I'm fucked up right now, but goddamn it sucks to not be able to talk to someone I consider to be a really important person, even still. I let her in and now this quitting her cold turkey thing made me realize how much of myself I made vulnerable and how much of a, albeit momentary, best friend she was to me. The support I wanted wasn't to be found there, though, and now that I really need it yet feel this incapability to emotionally attach myself to others, I don't know where to turn. 

So here I am at 5 in the morning, half drunk and feeling the hangover begin the hammering against the back of my eyelids. I'm scared, yet somehow emotionally detached when in situations where I should feel afraid. I'm tired, but can't sleep when I know I should. I'm surrounded by people who care about me, but feel alone. I want so many things I can't have from people that can't give them to me. 

If you've made it to here without skimming: congratulations and thank you for reading through that entire scary block of text! I honestly can't do it most of the time unless what the person has to say is completely riveting, so I will take your having read all of my ramblings as a compliment! I guess the only thing about life I know for sure is constant and consistent, is that it isn't. Stability is fleeting when it's reliant on the relationships you have with other people. 

G'night/G'morning world. I will see you when I wake up..sober..and hopefully without a massive hangover.

Time.

I know you'd give more if you had the time.
But the timing ain't lining with the rhyming of the scheme of our lives.
Beginning and ending in a coffee shop,
I knew this love would not
last.
You're still stuck in the past.
Now it's raining on me as I write this poem,
just like the other night when I walked home
and you drove away in the opposite direction.
I knew then I wasn't holding your affections.
You were already shutting me out.
I sensed your eyes and words filled with doubt
about
us and, what the hell were we thinking?
Too many times you'd say 'I want you here'
and then push me away in fear
until time ran out for us to mend
'cause your schedule has no room to bend
for me or anyone.
You filled your life with distraction and responsibilities
to get away from the pain in your past,
but now it's too full to start anything new and make it last.
I don't regret anything and I never wasn't myself,
I just wish for time for you to lose yourself.
'cause You've been holding on so tight.
I was hoping so hard for just one night
I could show you what that feels like,
but there's no time.
We ran out the clock and,
just like that, our time is up.
Now I'm stuck
standing in this cafe trying to put back the pieces
you chipped from the great wall around my heart.
We had such a great start
in the race to the center of each other,
but somewhere we tripped up or rather, you did.
You drifted.
Not by anyones fault but time and how little you have of it to share
and divide up between the people in your life.
There I was standing in the line,
begging for scraps of your already scrapped up time.
But I was the new one,
the extra-curricular, recreational, elective thing
that held no precedence over other ties, a fling.
I could've been more, I had more to give.
I had more I wanted to do,
to give more of my heart to you.
But you can't so I won't
and I'm sad that you don't and didn't
let us finish,
'cause this is incomplete.
My heart still beats to this drumming,
pounding resounding in my skull,
telling me I can feel it in my bones,
that you and me,
we could be happy,
if only there was
time.

Grow'd up.

This coming Sunday is my birthday! 21 Years of life and I have many experiences ranging from awkward, embarrassing to proud and wonderful and everything in between :) I should be excited right? Well..

FUCK

YEAH.

But then, when I think about all the other things that come with being older I want to curl up into myself like a caterpillar being assaulted by swarming hoards of ants. 

You think 'huh, cool anal-ogy' when really, how many times does the caterpillar ACTUALLY survive that situation? All you see is this happy, friendly little guy chomping away at a leaf, minding his own business and then BAM those little black fuckers swarm up from behind and attack.

Now imagine. That caterpillar is me. 

And the ants are all of the responsibilities that come with being an adult.

Now I would like to run, but the responsibilities will only find me again while I'm happily chomping on another blade of grass. So the only options I have are:

1. Learn how to fly. If you know how to fly then you're fucking set for LIFE. Fuck everything else. Why do you think birds are such assholes?

2. Live in a bomb shelter. Completely closed off from society where I can go crazy, never bathe, and watch as much porn as humanly possible without giving a fuck.

3. Invisibility.

No. I'm not going to draw a picture for this.

Until any of those options are actually achievable I guess I will just stay and take it, grow old, and keep going at it day by day. My bones may creak, my jokes may turn PG13, and my eye-sight may fail, and my bowels may go, and my skin might sag, and my memory may get worse, and my breasts may dangle by my knees, and....wait.

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK.

Poetry night. Ya know, deep stuff.

My headphones in, 
ignore the cars and the squelching of tires against wet concrete. 
The lights of apartments and late night establishments project their neon 
hues onto the wet pavement and run together 
like watercolors in a bathtub. 
The red of the stoplight glows under my feet 
and engulfs me in its blurred reflection. 
The shadow behind me belongs in this world 
revealed only by rain soaked sidewalks on cold, dark, nights like this. 
It follows me 
relentlessly waiting for me to stop. 
To sink into the greens, yellows, reds, and golds. 
Not yet. I must keep walking. 
I need the warmth and the tangible things that living life requires. 
To stop would keep me in this rain, 
cold and going nowhere. 
The beauty of these glowing streets is in the spontaneity of its appearance 
and how fleeting and momentary it remains. 
As is the enjoyment of love and life. 
The only thing we know about any thing 
is that every thing 
must 
come 
to an end. 
Even nights like this 
when the sidewalk bleeds green,
the puddles swim red, 
and the streets glow in purple. 
So now I'll let the sound of Fleet Foxes 
and the pounding of my tired feet
lead me home with the promise 
of a warm bed 
and things to be done tomorrow.

Hmmm.

The part of this term I'm currently experiencing could be called the calm before the storm. A time where I have even the tiniest possible moment of down time (which I'm using for blogging). Because of how much free time I will NOT be having I probably won't be blogging as often as I used to and only when something insanely funny/interesting happens that I have time to blog about.

Right now I'm in-between classes and I decided it would be nice to enjoy sitting in one of the quiet areas in the student union on campus. Despite the quiet signs, for the past hour there's been a man on the phone and another snoring up a storm on the couch behind me. Not the cute, small, every once in a while snores..but the loud, obnoxious bear passing a kidney stone kind. This reminds me of things I greatly dislike that people do in public:

1. Making out.
      - Full on, don't care if anyone is watching, in public, for more than 30 seconds. RUDE.
2. Talking loudly on cell phones.
      - in elevators, repeating phrases as if the other person was deaf, talking about personal things.
3. Talking loudly in quiet places.
      - same as #2, interrupting people, talking over people, being RUDE.
4. Sleeping in public places. (NOT napping but actually sleeping)
      - SNORING, taking up valuable sitting places, drooling.
5. Skateboarding.
      - On sidewalks, during student rush hours when people are trying to walk, sneaking around bikers. RUDE.
6. Picking zits.
      - Especially when they bleed or the person tries to hide it by rubbing their fingers on their pants >:(
7. Sitting and/or putting their things in walkways/stairways.
      - RUDE.
8. Screaming.
      - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT. NOBODY IS BLEEDING OR DEAD!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPP.
9. Not bathing. Obviously not bathing..
      - You're stinking up the entire room. Please go at least cake yourself in mud to encase your horrible dirty skin/feet/armpit stench. You smell like a dirty vagina filled with fritos.
10. Chewing loudly.
      - THE ENITRE WORLD DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE IMMENSELY  ENJOYING THAT BURRITO.



Ok..well now it is time to go! Feel free to throw a brick at any or all of the people you spot in public that are doing these things. Thank you for making the world a better, less RUDE place.

END.

This is what happens when I'm bored.

DED.

Now time to watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Soren thinks my people look like fish.

So every time I'm drawing people for a new blog and I'm around friends I always like to ask them for feedback before posting..which usually is met with: "hmm yes exaggerate this more", "ooh what if you did this", or "make it bigger"! But whenever I talk to my roommate the first thing that ever comes out of his mouth is: Why is there an angry fish with eyelids?

So I edit the picture and try to make it look more human.

Me: Hey, Soren. How bout now?

Soren: It looks like a fish with a feather stuck in it's head.

Me: What? Really? :/

Soren: Yeah. Still looks like a fish.

So I decided to ask you all and see if this is true.

So now that you've seen the difference between my people drawings and my fish drawing, here are some examples of other differences between fish and humans.

Soren: Your fish looks like your people.

Me: God dammit.

Thanksgiving is a lie.

Random Segway:

The rest of the world must think we are complete dumbasses. What kind of asshole celebrates the mass slaughter, rape, and pillaging of innocents and then uses it as an excuse to run marketing and advertisement campaigns?

AMERICA.

Every year we run around like mindless douchebags pretending like we actually give a shit about family and household cleaning. Not to mention that every year it's like we take a giant dump on all the people we stepped on in order to obtain this gluttonous luxury.

But it's not about buying things and showing people up, you say. It's about family! When was the last time you willingly spent more than an hour in the same room with your relatives? Do you really enjoy being berated, poked, prodded, made fun of, embarrassed, invaded, and annoyed by your extended family? If you do, GREAT. But every time we have "family time" this is the kind of "family" I'm talking about.

My Grandma Donna. The classiest, most refined of my mom's side of the family. She smokes what could easily fill an entire piano of cigarettes a day and can easier converse with farm animals than actual people. I think she might have lost a bit of her sanity as well as her teeth.

I have come to the conclusion that all of the people in my family who are in possession of a vagina are destined to be mentally insane by the age of 30. I await my fate in excruciating agony.

Within moments of her setting sights on me comes the delicately asked questions.

I would rather be blown by genetically altered rabid porcupine and penguin hybrid than have to talk to that woman ever again.

Another issue I have with the holiday season: Turkey.

Who the hell decided that turkey was the meat of choice for the traditional american feast? Next to a bucket of KFC it could look mildly appetizing but honestly, why? Ok, yeah it's larger than a chicken and cleaner to house than a pig or a cow but just because it's larger doesn't mean it's necessarily better.

More meat=more cooking time=dryer than an old man's pubic hair.

So not only do we have dry, stringy, herby old man pubes, we have a plethora of items with hidden diet-spoiling agendas. Sneaky bastards.

Why does everything in the American diet have to be deep fried and covered in bacon in order for people to eat it?

In conclusion: Turkey Sucks. And Thanksgiving sucks.

End.